So my final grades for Fall Semester actually weren't half bad! I knew I was going to fail my math class from the start because I just didn't understand any of it, but I can retake it. And when I do, my new grade will replace the F. As far as my other classes, I received an A in 'Human Behavior in Organizations', a B in my 'Environmental Geology' class, and a B- in 'Quantitative Analysis' and 'Data Management'. This was my hardest semester yet, and I was completely convinced that I was going to fail each and every one of my classes. I'm so glad I did better than I thought. I believe the hardest part for me was working while going to school. I know single mothers do it every day, but in all honesty, I think it's important to not only excel in school but to still be capable of exceeding all expectations in the workplace and to be a kind, loving, and devoted mother. In my opinion, it's virtually impossible to do all of these things at the same time. I believe two out of the three are possible, but clearly, I would pick my son and school before I would pick work. And as I am not a slacker by any means, I don't think it's right for me to attempt a career at this stage in my life.
As for other areas of my life, things just aren't the way I thought they'd be. I'm almost 30 and I don't feel as satisfied as I thought I would at this point in my life. I've fallen in love with a guy that I believe is an astounding person. He's intelligent, funny, charismatic, and has high goals in life. The problem is that I just don't see him wanting to be in a relationship right now. He says he does, and he says he loves me, which I believe because he is not the type to let emotions fly out of his mouth easily. If he says something like that, it's 100% sincere. But, I am not getting what I need from him. I try my damndest to be respectful and supportive to him. All I've ever asked of him was his love. To be sweet and kind and sincere... I don't think he can give me that. I'm beginning to think that's just the person he is. Of course sometimes he can be those things and I love it, but it always seems hard for him. Almost like it's out of character for him to do these things. When we go out, get food, get alcohol, go on dates; he always pays. It's definitely a treat, and I would even say it's extremely sweet of him, but it's not worth it if he's going to be standoffish, stoic, and unaffectionate the whole time.
When I am out with him in public, typically if people saw us together, they would assume we were just friends. He's definitely been more affectionate since I told him how I felt but it still doesn't seem natural. And because it doesn't seem natural, I am consistently feeling like I'm trying to change him, which I'm not. It's hard to know who he really is when he doesn't open up to me. He told me once that he's opened up to me more than anyone else. I believe that to a point. But sometimes you can tell that he's bottling things up inside and not letting it out and it just festers in his soul until we get into a huge fight over something ridiculous. I'm just not sure how healthy this relationship is and whether or not I should continue to fight for it. At times, I can't imagine him not being in my life because he just fits... But other times, I just don't know. I think if I met him the way he is now when I was 20 years old and childless, then we'd be a perfect fit. But I don't think he's ready. He likes single me, but is slightly uncomfortable with me being a mother. Not because he doesn't like me as a mother or dislikes my son, but because he feels somewhat awkward around children. He's not ready. But how do I explain that it's not working out? How do I let go of someone incredibly important to me when my only excuse is that I believe they need to grow up? And is it bad that I want to stay with him because I know that when he finally grows up, he is going to be the perfect man for me? Is that rational? Or am I just clutching straws because I don't want to let him go?
So many questions and so little answers. I don't mind though. That's what life is, right? Going through your life trying to make the best decisions and attempting to be happy with those decisions. I have not made a New Years resolution this year. I made one last year and I broke it in April when I met my current boyfriend. You know, the one I'm struggling with at the moment... There's nothing I want for this year except to be happy in all aspects of my life. But everyone wants that. No point in making it a resolution.
I am eager for this new year though. New friends, new classes, and my son is turning 7. Unbelievable, right? He's growing up to be such an incredible little person. He's sweet, kind, caring, loving, and insanely intelligent. The gift he was most excited about that he got for Christmas were the 30+ books that I bought him. Who can tell me that they've ever met a 6 year old that was more excited about his books than any of the toys he received?! I am a proud mama. As for all of you, I hope you had a wonderful and safe New Years Eve. I'm happy you're a part of my life, and I thank you for letting me share my own trials & tribulations and joys & successes of 2010. I look forward to sharing more in 2011 (and hopefully more often). By the way, any input on my current situation would be appreciated. I am at a loss for what to do and would be so grateful for any input. Love you all!
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