Sunday, January 2, 2011

Learning to Love THEIR Way

So I've been thinking... Most women go throughout their days thinking that the men they're dating should change. They should change the way they act, the way they live, the way they eat, and so on and so forth. I never thought I could be classified as one of those women until just recently. I may not be excessively particular about things I want to change in a guy, but after thinking long and hard about my past relationships, what needs to happen is both parties need to be more accepting about the other.

So this is what I'm proposing. Think of a word or two. Make it the word (or words) for the entire year. One of my words is going to be Acceptance. I have decided that in all aspects of my life, I need to be more accepting to what happens. The decisions I make are reflected through the consequences and I need to recognize that. Attempting a long term relationship with someone that doesn't necessarily fit my 'terms' of a perfect man doesn't give me any right to feel like I should change him. Compromise is a must in relationships but forcible change is the opposite. It's unwelcome, it's disrespectful, and it's toxic in any emotional bond between two people.

I've always been adamant about never reprimanding a boyfriend about leaving the seat up. Who am I to be the judge on whether a seat is up or down? What gives me the right to tell them what to do when it comes to something so trivial? Same goes for other areas of the relationship. What right do I have to force someone to cuddle more, or be more publicly affectionate? All relationships have their ups and downs, but choosing something as frivolous as cuddling to pick a fight is asking for trouble. Same goes with children. Why do parents find it necessary to fight with their child about something as silly as, say, wearing pajamas to the grocery store? Let them! Choose your battles wisely! Because every parent knows that at the end of the day, does it really matter what they wore?

Back to relationships, choose your battles wisely as well. Have an accepting heart. Don't have a shit fit because your boyfriend/husband didn't cuddle with you before he got up for work, or that he didn't kiss you when he got home. These things don't matter. My second word is going to be Gratitude. Combining these two words is my goal. I need to accept that not everything is going to go exactly how I want them to go, and I need to be grateful for the things that I do receive. So when you start feeling anger well up because he doesn't do something your way, be grateful that he's in your life and that you share that intimate bond with each other. These are the things that matter. Not throwing a hissy fit because it doesn't go your way.

I have never understood why women always assumed it's the men that need to change. For the most part, men are easygoing, laid back, not too emotional, and disturbingly honest. In all honesty, I think it would be refreshing if more women were like that. Less drama, less inane competition, less pettiness and erratic behaviour. These are the things that give us our name: Crazy
Has anyone ever actually considered this? Why do men say women are crazy? (And yes, I know not all women are crazy, I'm just speaking of the ones that are.) Women are labeled as crazy because they wear their hearts on their sleeves, they make decisions based off of their emotions, and they read into every little thing their significant other says or does. I am putting a stop to this in my own relationship. It's clearly not working and it's putting a damper on my relationship as well as my friendships with females. Maybe it's not the men that need to change. Maybe it's us...

1 comment:

  1. I vote unanimously for "Gratitude". I also favor two other words, "Understanding and Forgiveness".

    Debi Pearl writes about her 35+ years of marriage in "Created To Be His Help Meet".

    "I am his playmate. He thinks I am perfectly wonderful, not because I am a beautiful woman. Those days passed more years ago than I care to remember. Our delight in each other did not happen because he is the perfect man, or because he "loves me like Christ loves the church," or because he is "sensitive to all my needs." It didn't happen because he takes the trash out, or cleans up after himself, or has always made a good living, providing me with all the things most women take for granted. It didn't happen because he is a strong spiritual leader and always does the right thing.

    It happened and continues to happen because of the choices I make every day. I never have a chip on my shoulder, no matter how offended I have a right to be - and I do have reasons to be offended regularly. Every day, I remember to view myself as the woman God gave this man. This mind-set helps me be just that: a gift, a playmate, his helper.

    Early in our marriage, we each made a commitment (independently) to please and forgive the other no matter how hurtful the actions or words that were spoken. Somewhere over the years, having goodwill and a merry heart toward each other has become as natural as breathing. We have learned that all of life is fun and needs to be shared with our best friend, playmate, and lover.

    This, then, is the rule of life (she recommends) for wives: Live with thanksgiving, forgiveness, and joy, and enjoy all your moments as if they were your last. Someday, soon enough, they will be.

    In regards to your comment about the name given to women... 'Crazy'..... here's something from Debi Pearl's book, "Created to be his help meet".

    "By the time many women are entering their fortieth year, they are teetering on the edge of mental instability. They have spent several years of their life irritated at their husbands, daily feeling hurt, and responding with coldness and bitterness. Instead of practicing being thankful and merry, they are practicing bitterness. As practice enables the pianist to find the right keys without effort or thought, so a woman who practices discontentment will, without thought, hit the notes of bitterness and discontentment."

    She recommends:

    "Make a new habit.
    When you feel yourself beginning to have a critical spirit, stop, take a deep breath, silently ask (God) for wisdom, then think of something that in on your thankful list. This is remolding a habit, and, in time, practice makes it perfect."